how to feel nothing

You know how some days you feel like you’re king of the world (yes–king, not queen. I’m always queen) and other days you just feel.. nothing… for no apparent reason?

You don’t know why, and you can’t possibly tell when, but some days, you just wake up losing sight of all meaning, and you feel that everything you’re devoting your time and life to is merely there to distract you from all this… nothingness…  that follows you around like a cloud of grey mist, always there but not quite.

You almost wish for pain or sadness just so you could feel alive, because in the pit of your stomach, there’s nothing but empty space and in place of the thrill and sparkles you crave, all you hear is the dull beating of a heart that you forgot was there.

I’ve learned not to resist, whenever I find myself having one of those days. Warding them off with happy thoughts doesn’t seem to work for me anymore, if it ever has. Gratitude though, hasn’t lost its power, providing a strong enough post to cling to so I don’t fall off the abyss.

So when those days come–and they always do–I know enough to just say “thank you.” Even for the nothingness. Especially for the nothingness. Because if you think about it, this is how you prepare yourself for the new. This is how you surprise yourself.

When I feel like I’m falling through the cracks, I close my eyes, steady myself, and wait… wait patiently until rays of light once again penetrate the grey mist and touch my skin, with the promise of a warm, bright morning.

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